As with most others, I've felt like 2017 was the equivalent of a sucker punch square in the face, resulting in a broken nose and bloody mess. I remember starting the year off full of hope and optimism, much like any new year. I had my resolutions ready and my intentions set. I even had a mantra of "more adventure" set as my guiding light. 2017 was going to be a life changer! But slowly my year started to deteriorate. Without going into too much detail, because I'm choosing to focus on the positives instead of the negatives, I suffered from health problems that left me in constant pain for a good 7 months of the year. The pain and symptoms left me with an inability to work out or exercise, which caused me to feel depressed and sorry for myself, which as a result lead me to gain weight and feel even more sorry for myself. The vicious cycle just continued to feed off of itself, reinforcing all of my negative thoughts and feelings. On top of my physical body, I'd dealt with personal and professional struggles that left me feeling trapped, suffocated and directionless. The combination of all these things was the perfect storm for me. Feeling miserable and hopeless, everything sucked, and all I could do was focus on how unhappy I was, and oh yeah......let's go ahead and blame it on 2017!
Luckily I was able to get surgery in July and my physical body started to heal. TMI warning........but the doctors were able to remove a baseball sized mass from my uterus; noncancerous I am very grateful to say. After surgery I was able to see this physical mass being removed from my body, I instantly felt lighter, relieved. It was as if all the anxiety and personal struggles I had been dealing with the past few years had manifested into a physical "thing" that was slowly destroying me. And that physical thing had now been removed from me. Symbolically, this entire process had been a huge lesson in surrendering to things that are not in my control. It also taught me how to release and let go of things that no longer serve me. Things that by holding on to were literally causing pain and destroying me. Learning to let go of things that don't make my light shine brighter and of anything that tries to extinguish my inner fire. It was still there all along, deep down in my core like burning embers that wouldn't give up. Glowing and waiting for a chance to reignite and catch fire. 2017 did a damn good job of trying to put out my fire out.
It wasn't until recently when I started to think about what I want my mantra to be for 2018, that I started to reflect on what a sham my 2017 had been. I felt cheated. Like I got a bum year while everyone around me seemed to flourish and grow. I opened up the old vision book to see my mantra "year of adventure" written out, and initially just shook my head, chalking up this year to a colossal bust. But then I looked again. Adventure. Year of Adventure. A moment of stillness let me remove myself from my self pity and see the year for what it really was.
It WAS a year of adventure. It was a year full of lessons, and tears, and pain and struggles. And somehow there is beauty in the struggle. The struggle to truly "find myself" again, the ability to find the strength to let go of things that are no good for me, and the ability to walk away from things that don't serve my authentic self, knowing damn well I have nothing lined up to take it's place. It's scary but it's real. And it's taught me so much about how I want to live my life. And who I truly am at my core.
On top of all the emotional growth, I had been able to give myself permission to be who I wanted to be, and live the life I wanted to live. Earlier in the year I had made it a personal goal to visit 40 countries before 40, inspired by my amazing world traveling cousin Kim. I made the declaration that I wanted to invest more money in travel, and to make it happen despite lack of finances. I realized that my "shittiest worst year of my life" had lead me to visit 4 new countries! Making that the grand total of 14 countries for me. Doing the math, I'll need to visit 5 new countries every year to meet my goal by 40. I was also able to go on a road trip, make my way down to sunny Florida for some sun and salt water therapy, and I was honored to be in two weddings and see dear friends get married. I also saw my brother get engaged to the love of his life, and to soon gain myself a sister. I was literally surrounded by love and yet refused to let it in. I suppose 2017 wasn't all the terrible. If anything, despite my own self pity, it had been a blessing. A painfully beautiful blessing.
Swimming with the sea lions in the Bahamas
Road trippin' down to Richmond, VA and Baltimore.
Falling in love with my new favorite city. London. Can I just move there please?
Paris is always a good idea. Even in 95 degree weather.
Escaping to Mexico in frigid December weather is an even better idea!
So thank you 2017, for being a beautiful and painful year of transition for me. You were full of tears and lessons and healing and love. You've helped me make amazing new friends and let old ones go. You reminded me how much I love my family. You pushed me to dig deep and find grit I forgot I had. You helped me find myself again, and to give myself permission to just be my quirky authentic self. To honestly not give a shit what people think or seek outside approval. To feel more comfortable in my skin. To speak my truth and to unapologetically mean it. To know my worth and to guard and protect that with my life. And when life gets tough, there's something to be said about "faking it till you make it" with a smile on your face, learning to laugh at yourself, and at the end of each day, just doing what you can. Cheers 2017, thanks for everything and 2018, I'm coming for you!
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In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. -Albert Camus
Just do what you can. - Warren G.
